Songs I am obsessed with

I have become obsessed with the song ‘It Never Rains in Southern California’ by Albert Hammond. I stole it from my boyfriend's playlist, and now I can't stop listening to it. He played it to me in the car, and I liked it for its easy sing-along tune.

I spend a lot of time driving around at the moment. I really enjoy it. Most of the time, I'm just a passenger, although I am trying to get my license. Driving fits into a certain category for me, accompanied by lifts, trains, planes, boiling kettles, running baths, walking, cycling, cooking eggs—anything that creates ‘in-between time’. The space between one thing and another, the boiling water and the cup of tea, or the ground floor and the 11th story.

I get really excited about having ‘miscellaneous’ time because it's the only time I don't feel guilty about not being ‘productive’. I feel like, “Yessss, I can’t feel bad about doing nothing, because I actually can't do that much—what a relief!!!” And suddenly my head explodes because I feel so free. There's a lot of pressure to make something of oneself, and I feel like I can't waste a second.

I wonder: should I have more of my life together than I currently do? Am I falling behind? I keep thinking everyone else is doing better than me, and I can't shake the panic. It's funny—a friend at work told me that I'm very ‘zen’. Perhaps she thinks I have it together? I don't think so… There are so many options. It's everything and nothing at the same time. It's one of the things I love and hate about being 23.

Old people tell me that I will look back on these days wishing I could freeze time. I wouldn't know though—I'm not old yet.

So, back to the Albert Hammond song… it reminds me of another piece of music I love: ‘New York’s Not My Home’ by Jim Croce. Both songs were released in 1972, and both tell tales of people who find themselves out of luck and out of place, feeling they’ve been sold a pipe dream. I basically feel like that, which is probably why I play them over and over. It's so comforting to hear people sing about disappointment, shame, loneliness—and set it to a tune that makes you feel not so terrible for relating. These expressions of placelessness have a sort of “shrug your shoulders” vibe, making light of the situation.

I don’t think I fit in where I used to… I’m kind of in between selves, bouncing back and forth from past to future like an eternal rally in a game of tennis. Usually I’m way better at change, most of the time I’m already ‘over’ whatever I'm moving on from, but this time I feel torn between two selves. I've never been so unanchored. It's kind of great, and kind of terrible. I can feel myself taking the first steps down a new fork in the road.

So I want to know—does everyone my age feel like this? every circuit of thoughts I have has me asking: “Anyone else?”

(To make this whole text totally pointless—listen to ‘New York's Not My Home’ and ‘It Never Rains in Southern California’ and you’ll get what I mean.)